Realization

Though its nothing new and no surprise that it has been depression that is ripping my life apart for the past 15 years or even more. I have shrunk somehow to be below mediocre. Compromised on self esteem, ambition and even my dreams. Kind of run out of fuel.

And in the midst of all this, am thrown, by circumstances into a new harsh world. I am losing my self here completely. Trying to pick shards of my dreams to recreate them. Put them back in place and generally trying to cope. However the speed is not enough. Time running out. Panic!

And then gloom sets in. Painting everything around in various shades of grey. The spots that are bright show a dull rusty hue. It is like being operated upon while still conscious. Seeing the world, the time and the opportunity slip by and I not being able to dress up for the occasion. Such helplessness.

Time for some introspection and action.

Some priorities

Health, both mental and physical
Financial stability

Jealous & not Zealous?

Jealousy is evil. So what other emotion should replace it when you see others succeeding and happy? When you know that you too could have been where they are? The continuous self evaluation and then giving a 0/10 each time makes you feel miserable.

Is this all that bad? Sometimes the thoughts are so jumbled that you really don't know. Can there be a time where I could do the surgery listing and laying out the inventory. Mark an itinerary and then sort things out? All at once is overwhelming. Maybe one piece a time.

As my nephew recently commented that I should now be ready with an invention like that of the light bulb or something similarly path-breaking in order to be so laid back. He wasn't really far from the truth. I do am laid back, no matter whatever turmoil my mind is in. However big the demons am facing or whatever efforts I am making to make things work.

Let me, today, for instance try and analyse what's wrong with me and around me. Of course in the next blog.

Overwhelmed!

A paralysis of sorts. Can't see things objectively. Too overwhelmed by my own misery and dissappointments. A business lost, the dream intact but then the dent..... A situation of helplessness. Feeling like running back into the forest and then realise that running into the forest is a luxury. The rainy dank and darkish forest. A stone summer hut, moss, cold, rains, isolation all this...... My heart wants to run into that hut.

The thoughts storm

Sometimes small, seemingly innocuous looking comments, situations and thoughts create a storm. My own weaknesses and vulnerability come to the fore. While the thoughts are all logical, most have been talked to and defeated. However, these have a habit of gathering some more endorsements and then they come rushing back, stronger and more stinging. Crippling you momentarily and then making it difficult to find your way out. Each one needs to be talked to separately and distinctly. Nothing less. And then before you go to bed, you have rested the demons and escape into the world of sleep.

The moment you wake up, each one of these, now weakened by the talk of last night, jumps back on to you, one by one. Each giving out a fear and a dread that you been running away and telling yourself to be brave and brace for negativity. By the time you are ready for the day, your demons, like the proverbial monkeys, are there, on your back.

The whole idea of feeling okay in the middle of a struggle is blown up into smithereens. This normally consumes few days before you bounce back and are up and running again.

To sum up, when your decisions are the only decisions that you have, you really don't know what went right and what went wrong.

So far so good!

Life in general and entrepreneurship in particular is all about keeping yourself excited and motivated by newer ideas and interesting pursuits. Thats what is been happening with me. The macro steps have helped a great deal and now the micro is being overhauled. Interesting to note that hard work is the biggest satisfaction and excitement. Some things gotta give, now !

Some efforts

A self talk recently and putting all my thoughts together has paved a new way. Prioritising and then ensuring action also helping. The momentum is picking up and sure will last this time. Nothing less than a good launch.

A new business idea, actually a branching out is on the anvil. To be beaten into shape and dishing out to the market. Coming Soon !

A blog created..

Doesn't really help if the profound thoughts and the intelligence is not put together and analysed and more importantly, the information not applied for betterment.

How do you apply?