Overwhelmed!

A paralysis of sorts. Can't see things objectively. Too overwhelmed by my own misery and dissappointments. A business lost, the dream intact but then the dent..... A situation of helplessness. Feeling like running back into the forest and then realise that running into the forest is a luxury. The rainy dank and darkish forest. A stone summer hut, moss, cold, rains, isolation all this...... My heart wants to run into that hut.

The thoughts storm

Sometimes small, seemingly innocuous looking comments, situations and thoughts create a storm. My own weaknesses and vulnerability come to the fore. While the thoughts are all logical, most have been talked to and defeated. However, these have a habit of gathering some more endorsements and then they come rushing back, stronger and more stinging. Crippling you momentarily and then making it difficult to find your way out. Each one needs to be talked to separately and distinctly. Nothing less. And then before you go to bed, you have rested the demons and escape into the world of sleep.

The moment you wake up, each one of these, now weakened by the talk of last night, jumps back on to you, one by one. Each giving out a fear and a dread that you been running away and telling yourself to be brave and brace for negativity. By the time you are ready for the day, your demons, like the proverbial monkeys, are there, on your back.

The whole idea of feeling okay in the middle of a struggle is blown up into smithereens. This normally consumes few days before you bounce back and are up and running again.

To sum up, when your decisions are the only decisions that you have, you really don't know what went right and what went wrong.